As the year ends - holidays upon us - I am feeling very sad.
I don't really think of myself as being a sad person, but there is something inside that does not feel quite right - something is missing. A lack of spontaneous joy? Days feel duty-driven and I find that I tear up at odd moments with thoughts of times past.
In the last two weeks, I have moved my mom out of the house I grew up in where she has lived for the past 51 years. I was making the effort to just see it as something that must be done and try not to dwell on the fact that we will no longer be staying at 2615 Bridle Path when we visit Austin. All the familiar rooms and things in the rooms that need to find new homes. So many memories - both happy and not-so happy - strong emotions swirling around.
Mom's new place is beautiful (see it here) and I know that she will be extremely happy being there...but.......when I stop to think about it, it does make me sad. Memories of being kids, the tree in the back yard when it was soooo small (and now HUGE), the oak leaves that fell from the trees and filled the front yard in the fall (we used to "build" leaf houses and play for hours)....the white horse on the shelf in the living room....Dad's drawings filling the wall above the couch, the windows in the breakfast room.........
I don't do well with change. But, change is inevitable.
Decisions that will "change" something in a moment - soooo hard to make!
On Sunday, while standing by the window in Mom's new place, I received a call from our cousin Darrell. He informed me that Cullen's uncle, Doyle, had died that morning. Becky, Darrell's wife, Doyle's oldest daughter and Cullen's first cousin (one of my favorite people), could not find a flight to Amarillo to get there that night. I told him that I was in Austin and flying home to arrive in ABQ at 6:30 and if Becky could get a flight to ABQ, I would drive her to Dalhart (up in the NW corner of the Texas panhandle) Then, I realized my car was not at the airport 'cause Cullen had, unusually, dropped me off. I called him and he said he would pick me/us up. Becky caught a flight to arrive at 7:30. It worked out, as things do sometimes.
It was a really nice drive (4 1/2 hours) with clear weather and good conversation. I was exhausted, as I am sure both Cullen and Becky were, too, but we got there in one piece and were at the house the next morning. Cullen and I left in the early afternoon to get back (Grayson was home alone - got himself to school and everything!) Cullen turned around the next day, Tuesday afternoon, to go back for the funeral. I'd thought we would both go Wednesday morning, but the weather looked challenging, so he took off and got there without a problem.
School was cancelled in Santa Fe on Wed due to the ice and snow.
Life is so tentative. We do not think so when we are in our teen years - and don't even know what it is in our early childhood. I guess it is part of the wisdom we gain with age....and experience.
This year, I lost three uncles - my Uncle Gene (cousins Marian and Tom's dad on my dad's side), my Uncle Don - Mom's brother, and Doyle, who was my uncle by marriage - and my dear cat Miss Marble Fat Cat.
Death is hard. I have found that over the years I have been able to get through most days in a fairly normal way - laughing, smiling, happily waking up and doing things I love to do, having the random "bad day"...but getting through it....until something happens to someone I care about. I begin to feel myself shut down and find it difficult, on occasion, to give comfort to those effected. It brings it all back - the sadness, the bleak feeling of loss, complete despair.
I wish I could move through the feelings and be of comfort to those I love. There is a certain amount of inadequacy in wishing to comfort someone who has lost an important someone. There is always the question, "What do you say?"
Cullen has reminded me that all one need do is give a hug and let someone know that you are there and you care. You really don't have to say much of anything. It helps more than you know just to feel that someone is thinking about you.
It is late. There is a melancholia in my heart. I am tired and sad and not sure how to find that bit of joy to smile with. I know that tomorrow is a fresh, new day and that does always make a difference. I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning.....
As my aunt Barb said, "...remember the "cliches" of each day" -
"Life goes by too fast, don't waste a moment"
"Tell the ones you love how you feel"
"Show affection every chance you get..."
I will add "Find one thing to smile about each day" and
"Do the things that make you happy"
2012 is around the corner. I am thinking about my resolutions.... I'll let you know what they are when I decide.